Many of my clients are thinking about having their children share a room, and are asking how to prepare for and manage this change.
I want to share my experiences from childhood and as a parent. Then we can dive into some of the more common questions and considerations.
I grew up sharing a room with my sister. At times we even shared a bed. It wasn’t always a perfect set-up, but I have fond memories of talking into the night, telling ghost stories (when we were older) and playing with each other’s hair. (My sister might have very different memories of those times. I know she wasn’t too fond of my regular redecorating!) I also remember her cold feet finding mine in the night! I remember it as a special time of connection and bonding. We shared a room until she moved away to university.
When I had my own family, I knew I wanted my daughters to share a room too.
We live in a 100+ year old house, and when our girls were younger, we only had two small rooms, one of them being ours. Because of the space constraints, separate rooms wasn’t an option.
When our youngest daughter was about 8 months old, had grown out of her bassinet and was waking to feed just once per night, we made the transition.
There was giggling and goofing around for the first little bit and at other times as they grew. But because they were both in cribs on opposite walls, they couldn’t do much more than that. And as a wise friend said to me, at least they aren’t crying!
They shared that room for 4.5 years until we added on to our house, and our eldest daughter moved into the new basement bedroom. We might have kept them in the same room longer if there was space for two twin beds.
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If you are thinking of having your kids share a room, read this first for important considerations, common questions answered and concerns addressed.
Safety first
Before you move your baby into a sibling’s room, consider the age of your older child and their development. A toddler may try to feed the baby something, give them a small toy or cover them with a blanket. They also might try to climb into the baby’s crib. If you think any of these are possible or likely, consider waiting until your toddler is a bit older and able to understand and follow the rules of safe room-sharing.
I suggest clearing out the room to make it safer and to set the stage for sleeping. This way they won’t have anything to tempt them into having a play party in the night. Plus, a clean, minimalist room sends the message that our rooms are for sleeping and clears any cluttered energy that might interfere with a good night’s sleep.
Having a video monitor with sound is also wise, so you can keep an eye on your littles at a distance. And if one wakes in the night, you can check in more discreetly without worrying about disturbing the child that’s sleeping.
What is a good age to try room-sharing?
Babies should be in your room in a separate sleep space until 4-6 months. That way they are nearby for ease of feeding, and you can be more tuned in to their needs and respond in a timely manner.
Is my baby ready to share a room with their sibling?
Is your baby 4-6 months or older?
Is your baby waking once per night for a feed or sleeping through?
Is your baby able to settle back to sleep easily and/or independently?
If you answered yes to all these questions, they could do well sharing a room with their sibling.
The closer in age your children are, likely the better fit it will be. An example would be a 1- and 3-year-old who might be on similar sleep schedules and are both (ideally) still in cribs.
I recommend keeping kids in cribs for as long as you safely can, and at least until age 3. With your toddler still in their crib, they’ll be unable to get out of bed and play with or disturb their younger sibling. Check your crib’s maximum height and weight recommendations. If you have a crib climber or jumper, check out my blog on transitioning from a crib to a big-kid bed for advice on how to keep them in their crib for longer.
An older child, say 8-10 years, might not want to share a room with their younger sibling as they become more independent. That is, of course, if they have a choice. If space is tight and you don’t have an extra room, they will have to manage.
“Sharing a room doesn’t mean sharing a sleep schedule. If the schedule they have is working for them, don’t change it. ”
Sleep schedule: same vs different
Sharing a room doesn’t mean sharing a sleep schedule. If the schedule they have is working for them, don’t change it. Keep in mind, too, that your older child might have an earlier bedtime. This can be the case if the younger one is still napping, and if the older child is not napping and attends preschool or kindergarten and comes home exhausted from a long day of following rules and managing emotions.
Your kids might also have the same bedtime. An example would be a baby who is napping twice per day with a bedtime around 6:30 pm and a 4-year-old who is no longer napping.
Our girls had the same bedtime for the duration of their room-sharing experience. Our oldest daughter has always been more sleep sensitive and seems to need more sleep than her sister. As her sleep needs changed, our oldest would still go down at the same time as her sister, but she would take a bit longer to fall asleep and would wake a bit earlier in the morning.
If both your kids are napping and one of their nap times overlaps, you might be able to manage with them in the same room. Ideally, the one going down first will be fully asleep when the other one comes in to start their nap. If you have a video monitor, you’ll be able to go to the one who wakes first and get them up before they can wake the other. If they are keeping each other awake or waking each other early, consider napping one in a separate room.
Bedtime routine: tandem or separate
If your littles have different bedtimes, the nighttime routine for the one with the later bedtime should be done in a separate space, like the living room, so as not to disturb the other. It can be nice to have separate bedtimes, and thus separate bedtime routines, and it gives you that extra one-on-one time with your kids.
If your kids have the same bedtime, the routine can be carried out in their room minus bath time. I suggest getting down on the floor for stories. Give them hugs and kisses before putting them in their beds. Then turn off the light and sing songs.
Sleep environment
Having a room that is set up for sleep is perhaps even more important when kids are sharing a room. Keep the room pitch black, regulate the temperature (keep it on the cool side), and manage sound. I always recommend using white noise, but in the case of siblings, white noise can be especially helpful as it can dampen their nighttime noises that might otherwise have woken their sibling. Depending on how big the room is and how far away the beds are, you might get two white noise machines, one to place near each bed.
An older child might be used to having some light in the room. If you’re using a night light, use a red light placed below eye level. In our house, one of our girls preferred a bit of light, so her bed was on the wall opposite the door, which we left open a crack at the beginning of the night.
A common concern
Often parents worry that one child will wake the other. Although they might disrupt each other on occasion, children usually get used to each other’s sounds and are able to sleep through. It has been amazing to me what our girls will sleep through. Our oldest would occasionally have night terrors, and her younger sister would sleep through it all. Or if she did wake, she went back to sleep easily on her own or with a bit of comforting.
If you are doing staggered bedtimes, but are worried the one going down later will wake the one that went down first, consider this: the first half of the night is when sleep is the deepest, and it can take a lot to wake someone at this time. If it’s your older child going down later, have conversations with them about what is expected as far as staying quiet and respectful of their sibling who is asleep.
When to hold off on room sharing
If one or both of your children are struggling with sleep in one way or another — challenging bedtimes, night wakes or waking early (and loudly) in the morning — it’s best to have them sleeping well before making the transition.
Manage expectations: theirs and yours
If your kids have never shared a room, this is going to be a new experience for them, and as a result sleep may be disrupted temporarily until they get used to the change. The same thing can and often does happen during travel when they have to sleep in a different place.
Communication is always key. Talk to them about the changes in advance and involve them in the conversation. Talk about what makes it exciting. Ask them what they think and how they feel too.
As with any transition, it takes time. Don’t assume it’s not going to work out if it’s not perfect within a week. Set up a solid bedtime routine and age-appropriate sleep rules. Control the things you can, like bedtime and environment. Make sure the room is safe and conducive for sleep. And give them a chance to get used to and this new set-up.